This page is a list of resources to help those around survivors of gendered harm begin or continue learning about good ways to respond.
As anyone who has begun the process of supporting survivors will no doubt have perceived, distinct bystander patterns emerge.
These same patterns are described in all of these resources, dating from the mid-1990s to the present day.
This consistent experience of bystander patterns across time and space suggests that the whiplash-quick social conditioning that makes it appear normal and natural to harm survivors the moment they speak up, and the question of how to perceive harm accurately, let alone protect survivors from it, is an old problem, one that communities and movements have been dealing with for a long time.
This list of resources can hopefully help bystanders, supporters, and pod members skip over common pitfalls and prevent some of the the anguish of reinventing the wheel.
In the end, though, in a culture that normalizes and minimizes harm, choosing to centre, believe, and protect survivors is just that: a choice.
No amount of reading can demonstrate how widespread and systemic and deeply-rooted this cultural conditioning into racism-and-sexism is. In a lot of ways, there are no words.
But if you are witnessing it, or beginning to become aware of it, the readings and tools here can affirm that you and those who are supporting you are absolutely not imagining it.
The harm is enormous, so large and so deeply-rooted it is difficult to see – until you bump up against it and it bumps you back, hard.
from Sprout Distro’s Betrayal Zine:
“This conspiracy of silence seeks not only to end a survivor’s struggle before it even begins, but also to provide the back drop for what will happen to the few survivors who refuse to be muzzled. For a survivor to speak openly of their experiences in such a climate can only be understood as an act of resistance, and as with all acts of resistance, repression is a likely outcome. This repression is more nuanced than the clubs of police officers or the guns of soldiers, though these too have been turned on survivors. The repressive forces are more likely to be mentally and emotionally devastating. Those who doubt the brutality of this internal repressive apparatus have likely never been on the receiving end.
The ‘communities’ that are so often turned to with the expectation of support are more often mobilized against the survivors on behalf of their perpetrators in a stunning counter attack. It’s difficult to properly illustrate what so many survivors have had to endure at the hands of their supposed comrades.
Perhaps a survivor gave no clue of abuse as they endured it, perhaps they consented to certain sexual activity but not all of it, perhaps they felt the need to disclose certain experiences and withhold others, perhaps they needed time to process their trauma and only revealed it gradually, perhaps they have their own issues with power or boundaries. What’s important is not the details themselves, but how they can be twisted, taken out of context, or else used to undermine a survivor’s credibility. Past histories, addictions, coping mechanisms, debts, insecurities, even a survivor’s political identity, all are fair game. When this strategy is successful, survivors are villainized and their attackers are recast as the victims of lies and manipulation.
But even if the apparent objective of discrediting a survivor in the eyes of community fails, the process itself can still be effective at forcing survivors out of that community. Knowing that simply walking into a space means that nearly everyone there has discussed your personal life at length creates a tremendous barrier, regardless of the conclusions people may have reached. Survivors may feel compelled to pre-empt this dynamic by engaging their critics. Often, this plays into demands for “proof” or details of assaults or abuse. The retraumatizing aspect of this is yet another further attack on the survivor, and often feeds rather than undermines the conflict.
As tensions grow, it begins to spill over into new arenas. Previously uninvolved parties […] become caught up in the mounting bedlam, and organizing becomes disrupted. Of course, at this point normalization has been broken, and the repressive apparatus no longer has anything to lose by not holding back. […] “These divisions are hurting us!” they cry. Of course, such divisions are never blamed on the perpetrator or their actions, but on the survivor for insisting that the trauma they’ve experienced cannot go unanswered.
They will often liken the survivor’s struggle to a ‘witch hunt,’ when they themselves share more in common with the executioners than with those who burn at the stake.”
Why Does He Do That (especially the chapters on ‘abusers and their allies’ and on the cultural context for entitlement)
BYP100 Community Accountability Process
Incite! community accountability process
Bay Area Transformative Justice Network
Sprout Distro Broken Teapot Zine
Sprout Distro’s Betrayal Zine
Mo Daviau – Narcissistic Abuse Resources
Your Friend Has Been Abused: What Do You Do?
Everyday Feminism: How to Apologize
The Revolution Starts at Home: Confronting Intimate Violence within Activist Communities (see section 4 describing bystander dynamics)
Creative Interventions, Creative Interventions Toolkit: A Practical Guide to Stop Interpersonal Violence
Anti-authoritarian Approaches to Resolving and Transforming Conflict and Harm
Facilitating the Creation of Accountability Policies & Procedures Tip Sheet
Community Accountability for Survivors of Sexual Violence Toolkit
Rock Dove Collective, Dealing with Conflict
https://www.rainn.org/articles/how-respond-survivor
My profound gratitude to the Badassery group and to my pod for gathering these resources and sharing them with one another as we all learn and struggle together. <3<3<3
